Friday, July 28, 2006

Fridays make me sad

Stephen is off for the weekend to recharge his batteries. And like he said on Thursday's show he needs to replenish his testosterone by picking a fight at a gay bar. We miss you Stephen.

Truth Roll-up/ Colbert Report 7/27

The Walrus is John.
Picture of Condeleeza Rice on the cover of the NY times (poor Condi looks like she just lost a spelling bee.) Stephen thinks lesbians could use an ambassador and hates foreigners. America is under attack again, Tour de France winner, Floyd Landis, is being attacked for failing a testosterone test. He's just an American and has huge balls (rocks as big as the Rockies, hilarious Stephen.) Ambassador to the U.N. John Bolton's (Colonel Mustard look-alike), assignment runs out in January.

The Word.
Secretary-General Bolton.
Ambassador Bolton is uniting the world in their opposition to him. Stephen thinks the U.N. should let Bolton take over Kofi Annan's leadership position when he leaves in December. U.N. should let Bolton bring them together by tearing them apart. I love Stephen's logic.

Norton Futilities. (View-master, what a classic!)
Better Know a District.- Stephen nailed representative Eleanor Holmes Norton of the District of Columbia for her poor voting record (no votes since being in office, haha). Rest of interview was more nailage, way to go Stephen.

Marvel Captain.
The interview with Marvel Comics' Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada was hilarious. Stephen is a big fan of comics but is torn in his support of Captain American when he finds out in the latest series (Civil War), Captain America sides against the President. Stephen does however still recommend checking out this new series. And oh yeah, of course Stephen nailed Quesada!

In Closing.
Good bye in sign language because saying good bye is so hard.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Shark Week: America's Enemies You're The Chum/ Colbert Report 7/26

Talkin' Shi'ite.
John Stossel has the courage to support marriage between cousins (um ok). Stephen urges Charlene (his cousin?) to call him. Stephen Jr. needs rescuing. Rescue plan involves Killer, Bobby as a decoy, and Ric Ocasek to woo the lady zookeeper. Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki, your country looks great (compared to Lebanon.)

The Word.
Democrazy.
Good cop/bad cop routine with Saddam would help hold Middle East together. The fear created by returning the region to control by dictators with varying degrees of insanity would take us back to a golden time when our biggest worry was a dress stain.

No Power to the People.
Stephen plugged Colbert Nation. Check it out at Colbertnation.com.
Stephen's Sound Advice- What to do in a blackout?
1. Panic
2. Arm yourself-everyone pick a window
3. Be prepared-have a survival kit
4. Eliminate perishables- eat everything in the fridge (go to town on that cheesecake)
5. Turn everything on- plug in all appliances, that way you'll know when power comes back on
6. Get it on- darkness gets me hot too Stephen (of course only for having babies)
Someone stole Stephen's plasma tv during a freak blackout. Anyone with any information should contact Stephen immediately.

Detainment Tonight.
Neal Katyal defended an enemy combatant from Guantanemo in front of the Supreme Court. Stephen nailed him for hating our troops and our country. But he did bring interesting props.

In Closing.
Superhero stamps: every lick of Captain America's sticky backside would taste like democracy (it's a crime for him to not be on one of the ten stamps.)

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Silly Salvadoran Intern: Colbert Report 7/25

The Today Show and Good Morning America each took shots at Stephen's show today claiming he "ruins careers." Good thing Matt Lauer had no career to destroy anyway.

The Word.
Opposite Day- President Bush's popularity is so low that even Republicans are racing to disagree with everything he says. Stephen suggested that if the President really wanted to pass amendments banning gay marriage and flag burning he should preside over a wedding ceremony for George Michael at the halftime of the Superbowl and run his car by burning American flags.

Formidable Opponent.
Stem-cell research.
What's more important: saving a life or developing a cure? Would you want a cure developed through embryonic stem-cell research if one of those embryos actually would have grown up into a doctor who could have developed the same cure without destroying any embryos.

William Donohue.
The Catholic League President was one of the rare guests that Stephen did not need to nail. Finally another Catholic with whom to share an interesting discussion. Donohue reiterated his dedication to fighting the secular left (which he characterized as secular jews in Hollywood trying to keep Catholics down).

Skim milk: you're on notice.

The Word: Moral Minority.
Stephen lamented the veritable end of Ralph Reed's political career. The former leader of the Christian Coalition is just another casualty of the backlash against morality. Several other Christian Coalition-supported candidates are also under attack

Threat Down.
5) Camp Quest!-This atheist/agnostic camp will leave it's campers canoeing a river of fire and brimstone for eternity.
4) Religion in School!-The introduction of "floating days" for children of other religions is a farce, they are already given a week for Christmas. Stephen also emphasized his respect for the religion of Islam.
3) Laporte, Indiana!- The marijuana plant grown in a public planter in this town is threatening our nation's children with exposure to dry mouth and jam bands.
2) Shymalan!- M. Night stole Stephen's attack on bears and turned it into his latest film, help Stephen in his suit against the filmmaker.
1) Kix!- "Mother-Approved" cereal is an assault on marriage between a man and woman as God intended.

Howell Raines.
The only reason Raines didn't get nailed by Stephen is because he admitted to Stephen's superior intellect and debating skills.

Introduction

I am a proud member of Colbert Nation and I will be commenting on all things Stephen. I hope you enjoy my thoughts and remember that any references to bears will not be tolerated.